Trying to see it as extra motivation

So things have been going great with this guy...but then randomly he blew up about something that I think he made up.  It was nice to work through it, but now I'm all tied up in knots and nervous he's going to just suddenly disappear out of my life.  I have been using his pics as thinpiration because he has an amazing body, and every time i think about food i look at his pics and think guys like that don't date people with my body.  It has been working really well...but today for the first time I am extremely depressed.  I have been on cloud 9 lately with my diet helping me lose weight and with this guy being so amazing.  And now it seems like i'm fatter than ever, and that no matter what I do a guy like this won't stick around for a guy like me.  I need some motivation to stay on track and I think I need help not letting this guy be my whole reason for getting skinny and beautiful.   I do like that he is very motivating, but my nerves have me jumping and worrying all day....anybody got any suggestions?  I'm very proud of myself today though, I didn't want to workout but made my self go run 3.5 miles in thirty minutes and then did a shit ton of abs....I feel amazing as I write this post physically, but I'm mentally a mess....anyone having a similar issue?  Hope you're all staying strong

Bracelet

I have not been as good as i would like to be...but i'm still going strong.  I made myself a red bracelet to wear today so i can have something to remind me everywhere i go.  Also I got to talk to C for the first time on the phone over the weekend.  Things are going great, but he's so much hotter than me that I'm scared that he will stop being attracted to me or that is talking to more people than just me....after all people who have six packs and great looks don't lack for attention, but I also don't want to screw things up by moving too fast and scaring him off ugh.  I have been using him as my motivation to stay strong, so that I can become attractive, but it's hard.  I have started smoking again, though not sure how he feels about that.  I just hate whenever I eat anything I just feel so disgusting....i just need to stop putting things in my mouth that way i can avoid feeling so disgusting.  Also i have been playing like ass in volleyball, which is something I have always been good at and it bothers me so much.  It's the one place i've always gotten attention and now i seem to be fading out....i need to drop the weight so i can get higher and hitter harder and move faster.   Please help me stay strong!!!!

Getting started

I played volleyball today, and did good until night time then i fucked up...ugh....but i'm not going to let it happen again....i have been talking to my cousin about his boy problems...and my boy problems.  It's nice catching up things like that...but he's a lot skinnier and sexier than i am and keeps getting these hot guys...and i can't get anyone...so it also sucks...so my new plan is to get smaller than him and land a sexy guy myself...especially since C is being shady with me and he's my teenage dream....

new resolve

So sorry it's been so long...I have been going through some crazy stuff.  One of my best friends started dating the guy of my dreams, who just happened to be my straight guy best friend, and did it behind my back when i have accused her of wanting him for over a year.  She always denied it and then lied to my face....that set me on a rough path....every time I drank I just lost it, luckily the bridges I set on fire have been put out and rebuilt, but it still hurts.  I saw a picture of them together today smiling and it broke my heart...i know he is straight, but I still didn't want him dating my best friend and have to see it all the time.  So i went and smoked some cigs and cruised to some tunes.  I also have been talking to a guy who seems to be my teenage dream come to life...which scares me because I don't know if he likes me or is just using me.  So my new resolve is to continue my workouts, I have been lifting and doing cardio very well, while not eating.  I will get hot enough to make this guy want me, and make myself feel sexy enough to be around my two friends who are dating.  I'm using the pain it causes me to be around them to motivate me.  WHen I want to eat I will remember that feeling and use it to fend off eating.  I have also decided to start using Mia again, that way my body isn't taking in any calories.  I plan on blogging everyday too in order to help, because I obviously haven't been doing a very good job of maintaining this.  I thank you for all your support and I will be leaning on you wonderful people to help keep me on track.  The volleyball team I play on kinda freaked me out, my friends who are dating now are on it, but the other players every time we get together they say how skinny i'm getting and how they want to force feed me a sandwich.  I can't see it, I feel more disgusting than I did two months ago even though I look better.  I don't understand this, I think I look worse but everyone keeps telling me how skinny I look.  I think they are lying to me, they want me to fail so they can still be superiorly skinny, or at least that's how I feel.  That's all I know for now, hope my new resolve helps me build up a strong wall.  Wish me luck!!

Challenge Accepted

So i have a challenge going with my friends that will help make hiding Ana a bit easier.  We were talking about what my friend would give up for lent this year and through course of the conversation three of us decided to give things a test run, though I don't give things up for lent.  We all had to give up something until Thanksgiving.  One friend isn't eating desserts or junk food, and the other is a very tomboy lesbian who has to wear nail polish on her fingers everyday until Thanksgiving.  I gave up all food except fruits and veggies, but in reality I'm giving up all food.  This challenge is that if any of us breakdown the other two get to shave off their eyebrows.  Keeping my eyebrows is def. a good motivator but more than that is the fact that everyone tells me I can't do it.  That I won't be able to go until Thanksgiving.  Nothing motivates me more than when someone tells me I can't do it...I ran long distance for five years of Track because my brothers said I couldn't do it.  So I'm super excited and though it's only been a couple days I feel amazing and not weighed down.  I'm thrilled to have finally found my motivation!!!

ugh

I went out tonight to celebrate my birthday...  My friend bailed on me and I spent the night with friends who i barely hang out with...though the guy i have been waiting to see all year was out and I ran into him...and I completely blew it...ugh i worked out and didn't eat today and I'm still not good enough for him or my friends to care about...i plan on not eating for months and just working out hard core...maybe then i'll be good enough

Lost, Dazed, Confused...

I have been so bad lately...skipping workouts and eating disgusting food...I don't know when it all started to fall apart, though I'm putting the wall back together finally.  Today was my 23rd birthday and I feel like everything has fell apart.  I'm single, fat, and so lonely with no one around to talk to.  My friends are tired of hearing my same problems over and over again, and they can't stand my body issues.  I need to get out of the midwest to somewhere where dating is a better option, and I just feel like I don't matter to anyone anymore.  I have become obsolete, something that is no longer productive or needed, and I'm not pretty enough to be kept around just to look at.  I broke a razor this weekend to cut myself, though I managed to stop myself before actually cutting I haven't come that close to cutting in months, and the last time it got that far I cut bad.  I have put on a good front though, since a friend told me today I'm so much happier than I was last year, though that's not true at all.  So maybe I've finally learned the art of true deception, wearing a mask of happiness and letting the pain remain inside to eat.  I just don't want to be that 35 year old who is still single and looking...I feel like I'm never going to find that guy who will take my breath away and actually be into me too.  I'm skinny enough for the guys I like to be attracted to, I'm fucking repulsive in this fat suit and it doesn't matter how nice or sweet or reliable I am, I'm nothing because I'm fat...I need to stay strong in order to make myself better...someone worth looking at...something worth keeping around...I need to stop eating...and with my new resolve I'm going to make it happen...I won't be single for another birthday...I'd rather die than be single another year.

Great Day

I am having the best day ever.  I haven't done much but it's still the best day ever.  I went to the grocery store with every intention of buying food and doing the hating "eating thing" again.  However as I walked around the store I couldn't find anything that would taste good enough to rationalize the guilt and hate and working out that would follow the ingestion of such vile material.  I left the store empty handed walking on cloud nine.  It's refreshing to know that my instincts are finally kicking in and taking control instead of my stomach.

Feels so good

I can feel my self control finally kicking in.  I have managed to stick to just having coffee and diet soda, while sickeningly ingesting less than 500 calories a day.  However I have been working out a minimum of two hours a day.  However that is not the point, what is the point is my self-control is getting stronger.  I can actually be around food and tell myself no, I will not put that in my mouth.  I have even been able to figure out when my body will betray me, and keep myself out of the way of food situations.  My body is super sore, but it's a good sore because it lets me know I'm finally alive.  I'm letting the skinny me take over and banishing the fat me back to the darkness.  I also feel empowered because no one can force me to eat, and no one knows what I'm using as my secret weapon to get better.  The weight hadn't been moving because my self control kept failing, however now that it is growing and becoming something that I can wrap around myself the weight is definitely coming off.  I sleep all the time anymore when I'm not working out or doing school stuff, but I know that's a good thing so that my body can recover and eat more of itself.  I feel so good, and I love the feeling of my stomach rumbling knowing I won't let the enemy control me anymore.

Need Assistance

I have been bad...which makes me ashamed to come on here.  I have let my self control crack, and I am trying to get it patched up.  My friends keep telling me how good i look, and yet i see them making sure I'm eating.  I even had a friend ask today if I was throwing up again...even though Mia and I haven't been together for awhile...I want to got three weeks without food at all...I know the first few days will be the hardest and I need some support.  I have been gathering up a shit ton of thinspiration for the task, but I'm more afraid of my friends catching on.  They all are already so suspicious and I made the mistake of letting it slip what my goal weight is and they all freaked.  It's my fucking body and they don't understand what it's like to be fat...they're all skinny and I hate skinny people telling me it's ok to eat...ugh so annoying.  I have decided that no food shall pass through my lips for three weeks or longer...and i will workout twice a day.  I do have a question...does anyone know how to combat the headaches?  I get such bad headaches that I can't stand it...also should i take multivitamins to stay healthy?  Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.  Stay strong everyone...WE CAN DO THIS...NO ONE CAN FORCE US TO EAT!!!!

Enough is Enough

I have been struggling with staying strong....it seems like everywhere I go people are trying to get me to eat...and I hate it.....I will be getting stronger....I have more inspiration now than ever before....I will reach my goal weights....I also discovered that cigs help me avoid food too, the nicotine buzz is way better than any food ever tasted....

Resolve Strengthened

I wasn't very good over the weekend as I ate, though the overwhelming guilt that has come to be associated with eating is there, I couldn't seem to stop putting food into my mouth.  I finally got my resolve back in place at the end of the weekend and worked out hardcore, even though I threw up a lot of what I ate.  I have my resolve firmly back in place, and luckily the scale has gone down from when I first started back up with Ana.  I plan on stepping up my workouts, and have become quite good at lying about eating to the people around me.  I just hope that once the disgusting pounds begin to disappear and set me free that people will mind their own dam business.  I will reach my goal weight, and no one will get in my way.  I caught myself avoiding looking at several people this week because they were large, and I realized that big people are treated like their invisible, but no one avoids thin sexy people.  I see these large people, and I find it disgusting what they have allowed to happen to themselves.  I feel sorry for them as no one can be that big and be happy too.  I will not let that happen to me, I will not fade into the background.  I have come to love the feeling of my stomach being empty and every time it rumbles it's telling me how sexy I look now that food is the enemy!  The floating feeling I get from fighting food is amazing, I enjoy feeling as if I'm floating when I walk and I am excited for the day when people can't help but notice me!!!

Needing to Focus

So I have been doing much better, but not nearly as good as I'd like to be.  I have been slipping and eating, granted it's been under 1000 calories and I have been working out like crazy, but I just feel so guilty after I eat.  I need to be able to stay strong and not eat, that way my workouts will make me shed the disgusting pounds.  Even though I know I'm losing weight, I feel like I'm gaining it because I'm still eating.  Ugh I need some better motivation or I need to just stay busier so that I can avoid being tempted by food, and still be motivated to workout.  Here's to refocusing on what's important, I need some 0 cal days in a row.

Staying Strong

I'm happy I haven't been eating and I have been working out a lot and I feel amazing.  I love this feeling, and I met some people that give me thinspiration because I want them to notice me and I want to be as skinny as them.  I have been successful at dodging peoples questions about food, and luckily have been able to make everyone think I ate with everyone else :)  Tonight will be a challenge though as there is a team dinner I'm supposed to go to, and everyone with be trying to get me to eat.  I have been in the situation where these same people caught on to my secret weapon, but I was forced to give in back then.  This time I won't cave in, but I'm nervous because I can't crack even a little or else my self control will go out the window.  I'm hoping to be able to convince them I ate before the meeting with my co-workers, and that I have to rush back to work.   I have been drinking coffee like crazy and it's an amazing appetite suppressant :)  Keep your fingers crossed for me tonight!!!

Beginning again

I did this once my sophomore year of college, I have been sick of being big my whole life and I'm ready to really dedicate to this now.  When I did it before my best friend showed me and taught me the ways of Ana, and I lost 20lbs in a month.  This raised questions and I hid it very well, but then my best friend decided to stop and she threatened to rat me out if i didn't stop too.  So i managed to workout and eat in a way that i haven't really gained or lost weight over the last two years.  However now I'm sick of being too big, and she isn't here to stop me.  I started today with doing a 50 minute elliptical workout and an ab workout, and all i have ingested is two pots of coffee.  I want to do this right and lose a bunch of weight and just feel thin and sexy and athletic.  I hope people will offer me tips as I know i need a lot more control than i had before.  Hoping that things will go great this time around.