Resolve Strengthened

I wasn't very good over the weekend as I ate, though the overwhelming guilt that has come to be associated with eating is there, I couldn't seem to stop putting food into my mouth.  I finally got my resolve back in place at the end of the weekend and worked out hardcore, even though I threw up a lot of what I ate.  I have my resolve firmly back in place, and luckily the scale has gone down from when I first started back up with Ana.  I plan on stepping up my workouts, and have become quite good at lying about eating to the people around me.  I just hope that once the disgusting pounds begin to disappear and set me free that people will mind their own dam business.  I will reach my goal weight, and no one will get in my way.  I caught myself avoiding looking at several people this week because they were large, and I realized that big people are treated like their invisible, but no one avoids thin sexy people.  I see these large people, and I find it disgusting what they have allowed to happen to themselves.  I feel sorry for them as no one can be that big and be happy too.  I will not let that happen to me, I will not fade into the background.  I have come to love the feeling of my stomach being empty and every time it rumbles it's telling me how sexy I look now that food is the enemy!  The floating feeling I get from fighting food is amazing, I enjoy feeling as if I'm floating when I walk and I am excited for the day when people can't help but notice me!!!

Needing to Focus

So I have been doing much better, but not nearly as good as I'd like to be.  I have been slipping and eating, granted it's been under 1000 calories and I have been working out like crazy, but I just feel so guilty after I eat.  I need to be able to stay strong and not eat, that way my workouts will make me shed the disgusting pounds.  Even though I know I'm losing weight, I feel like I'm gaining it because I'm still eating.  Ugh I need some better motivation or I need to just stay busier so that I can avoid being tempted by food, and still be motivated to workout.  Here's to refocusing on what's important, I need some 0 cal days in a row.

Staying Strong

I'm happy I haven't been eating and I have been working out a lot and I feel amazing.  I love this feeling, and I met some people that give me thinspiration because I want them to notice me and I want to be as skinny as them.  I have been successful at dodging peoples questions about food, and luckily have been able to make everyone think I ate with everyone else :)  Tonight will be a challenge though as there is a team dinner I'm supposed to go to, and everyone with be trying to get me to eat.  I have been in the situation where these same people caught on to my secret weapon, but I was forced to give in back then.  This time I won't cave in, but I'm nervous because I can't crack even a little or else my self control will go out the window.  I'm hoping to be able to convince them I ate before the meeting with my co-workers, and that I have to rush back to work.   I have been drinking coffee like crazy and it's an amazing appetite suppressant :)  Keep your fingers crossed for me tonight!!!

Beginning again

I did this once my sophomore year of college, I have been sick of being big my whole life and I'm ready to really dedicate to this now.  When I did it before my best friend showed me and taught me the ways of Ana, and I lost 20lbs in a month.  This raised questions and I hid it very well, but then my best friend decided to stop and she threatened to rat me out if i didn't stop too.  So i managed to workout and eat in a way that i haven't really gained or lost weight over the last two years.  However now I'm sick of being too big, and she isn't here to stop me.  I started today with doing a 50 minute elliptical workout and an ab workout, and all i have ingested is two pots of coffee.  I want to do this right and lose a bunch of weight and just feel thin and sexy and athletic.  I hope people will offer me tips as I know i need a lot more control than i had before.  Hoping that things will go great this time around.