Lost, Dazed, Confused...

I have been so bad lately...skipping workouts and eating disgusting food...I don't know when it all started to fall apart, though I'm putting the wall back together finally.  Today was my 23rd birthday and I feel like everything has fell apart.  I'm single, fat, and so lonely with no one around to talk to.  My friends are tired of hearing my same problems over and over again, and they can't stand my body issues.  I need to get out of the midwest to somewhere where dating is a better option, and I just feel like I don't matter to anyone anymore.  I have become obsolete, something that is no longer productive or needed, and I'm not pretty enough to be kept around just to look at.  I broke a razor this weekend to cut myself, though I managed to stop myself before actually cutting I haven't come that close to cutting in months, and the last time it got that far I cut bad.  I have put on a good front though, since a friend told me today I'm so much happier than I was last year, though that's not true at all.  So maybe I've finally learned the art of true deception, wearing a mask of happiness and letting the pain remain inside to eat.  I just don't want to be that 35 year old who is still single and looking...I feel like I'm never going to find that guy who will take my breath away and actually be into me too.  I'm skinny enough for the guys I like to be attracted to, I'm fucking repulsive in this fat suit and it doesn't matter how nice or sweet or reliable I am, I'm nothing because I'm fat...I need to stay strong in order to make myself better...someone worth looking at...something worth keeping around...I need to stop eating...and with my new resolve I'm going to make it happen...I won't be single for another birthday...I'd rather die than be single another year.