better

I have been doing a lot better this week.  I cut my calories way down, and when I did eat it was stuff that is easy and quickly digested.  I also made sure to burn extra calories everyday to do better.  When I weighed in this week I was down a little which is nice, though by no means enough.  I am getting excited about making my workouts harder and have been able to find mental ways to push myself when I get tired or want to slack off at the gym.

I also used my day off from the gym to go on a long hike with lots of climbing, which kept me from eating and also burned off calories and made my friends think I didn't workout.  My clothes are fitting loose which feels amazing and I want that feeling to keep growing so I really want to stick with things.  So any positive thoughts you want to send my way I would appreciate it :) 

I have been getting upset lately because I don't see anyone ever wanting me.  My friends all tell me I'm great and amazing, but if that were true wouldn't someone have chosen me by now?  I mean I'm around all these amazing people, and yet none of them chose me...and there sitting there telling me I'm amazing and sexy.  Obviously not sexy and amazing enough, since you didn't choose me.  Does anyone else run into this problem?  How do you deal with it?  How do you turn this into a motivating thing?  I've been using it in negative talk during workouts, telling myself if I was truly sexy I would have someone or that sexy people wouldn't quit or slack off at the gym.

I was just shooting hoops shirtless, trying to shame myself into not eating and it seems to be working.  I see all this nasty fat clinging to my body and making me look repulsive!!!  No one would want someone that has a body like me and seeing it in my shadow and knowing people are seeing it has added more motivation to my control.  Anyone have any other ideas of how to strengthen mental resolve?  Hope everyone is doing well and staying strong!!

see what you see

This week has been up and down...I ate more than I wanted too which makes me feel disgusting, however I plan on cutting it down this week.  I have changed my workouts a bit to where I burn more calories in the same amount of time which is great, I just ran into the problem of being tired and missed the gym a couple times this week, definitely need to not allow myself to rationalize not going to the gym.

I have a small problem with work, in that I reallly only have one person I hang out with from work anymore and she is a larger girl and has been getting me to eat lunch with her almost everyday, this needs to stop as these calories are what I need to cut out.  So if anyone has tips on how to avoid eating with her, yet still getting to spend time with her I would appreciate it!!!

My main motivation this week going on, is that the closest person to me in my life has this amazing way of making me feel beautiful when I'm around him.  He just says things in a way that not only makes me want to believe him, but for a little while I believe him and do feel beautiful.  However this wears off not long after we aren't together.  I want that feeling to last longer, and the way to do it is to actually get beautiful and thin.  I know he says that I am and points out he knows I don't believe him, but I know he is letting my personality cloud the way he looks at my body.  I know I am a good person, but I'm not beautiful on the outside like I want to be.  So this week my motivational saying is "I want to see what he sees" or rather I want to become beautful so that when he says I am I believe him.  I want to become what he thinks I am.  I am hoping to do gym workouts and go hiking as much as possible with my friends after work so that I don't have time to eat and also I don't want to eat at work.  Thus I will get rid of opportunities to eat without really focusing on it.  I also plan on starting to go on walks when I get home and feel hungry, because I have to be away from the chance to eat or else I will cave.

I hope you are all with me and that you are staying strong.  I want to be beautiful enough for someone like my friend (who is amazing and sexy) to want and love, but it must be earned.  Every calorie burned, is beauty earned!!

New found strength

Hey :)  It's been forever since I posted and I'm sorry about that...I got out of control with eating and gaining and stress.  I have managed to get back on track with things and will be posting on here as much as possible again!

I have begun incorporating as much cardio into my routine as possible, and going directly from work to the gym so as not to talk myself out of workouts.  I am way down from where I was this spring and I'm getting lots of compliments, but it's nowhere near where I want to be.  Living a long way from my family is making it easier to get back into things, and only one person in my life now really knows about my previous use of Ana, so secrecy is needed.

I also need help with hiding it from work, as many people are always commenting on how I never eat or my standby excuse of "Oh thanks, but I'm not hungry" when they offer me food...is being thrown mockingly in my face.  Any tips on how to avoid suspicion at work?

My new motivations are being single of course, cause once I get perfection I can be good enough to be with someone!  Also the more I starve the more money I save to spoil my friends which I love to do :)  Also as petty as it is the thinner I get the better I feel and the more I feel superior to those I grew up around who were always thin and now are gaining weight as I lose it!  I'm a competitive person by nature, so turning it into a competition is helping me.  I need to up my water intake when I'm hungry as I cave a lot when I'm dehyrdrated.

Also any tips for excuses for things I could be doing besides working out, people are starting to comment on how I'm always working out and saying i need to take it easy...what are some good things I could be doing instead?  Any one have some workout tips...I'm always up for adding in new things :)

Today I burned 1,400 calories in cardio at the gym and did some ab workouts, then went on a five mile jog this evening to add to calories burned.  I'm hungry now, but going to drink a bunch of water before bed to fight off cravings.

I'm also trying to incorporate any kind of emotional crap in my life into motivation to workout more, or to resist food.  Anyone have any visualization tips they use or anything from when they have weak moments? 

Well I'm going to wrap up for today, but I'm going to switch how I use this blog...going to start writing out my thoughts as well as entire workouts for the day and anything I may have eaten.  Was super proud of myself tonight, after the gym I caved and was eating a turkey sandwich and was hating myself as I ate it...so I threw half of it away and then went running even though I had just gotten home from the gym!!!  Hope you all are staying strong and Anaing on!!!

~D