Challenge Accepted

So i have a challenge going with my friends that will help make hiding Ana a bit easier.  We were talking about what my friend would give up for lent this year and through course of the conversation three of us decided to give things a test run, though I don't give things up for lent.  We all had to give up something until Thanksgiving.  One friend isn't eating desserts or junk food, and the other is a very tomboy lesbian who has to wear nail polish on her fingers everyday until Thanksgiving.  I gave up all food except fruits and veggies, but in reality I'm giving up all food.  This challenge is that if any of us breakdown the other two get to shave off their eyebrows.  Keeping my eyebrows is def. a good motivator but more than that is the fact that everyone tells me I can't do it.  That I won't be able to go until Thanksgiving.  Nothing motivates me more than when someone tells me I can't do it...I ran long distance for five years of Track because my brothers said I couldn't do it.  So I'm super excited and though it's only been a couple days I feel amazing and not weighed down.  I'm thrilled to have finally found my motivation!!!

ugh

I went out tonight to celebrate my birthday...  My friend bailed on me and I spent the night with friends who i barely hang out with...though the guy i have been waiting to see all year was out and I ran into him...and I completely blew it...ugh i worked out and didn't eat today and I'm still not good enough for him or my friends to care about...i plan on not eating for months and just working out hard core...maybe then i'll be good enough

Lost, Dazed, Confused...

I have been so bad lately...skipping workouts and eating disgusting food...I don't know when it all started to fall apart, though I'm putting the wall back together finally.  Today was my 23rd birthday and I feel like everything has fell apart.  I'm single, fat, and so lonely with no one around to talk to.  My friends are tired of hearing my same problems over and over again, and they can't stand my body issues.  I need to get out of the midwest to somewhere where dating is a better option, and I just feel like I don't matter to anyone anymore.  I have become obsolete, something that is no longer productive or needed, and I'm not pretty enough to be kept around just to look at.  I broke a razor this weekend to cut myself, though I managed to stop myself before actually cutting I haven't come that close to cutting in months, and the last time it got that far I cut bad.  I have put on a good front though, since a friend told me today I'm so much happier than I was last year, though that's not true at all.  So maybe I've finally learned the art of true deception, wearing a mask of happiness and letting the pain remain inside to eat.  I just don't want to be that 35 year old who is still single and looking...I feel like I'm never going to find that guy who will take my breath away and actually be into me too.  I'm skinny enough for the guys I like to be attracted to, I'm fucking repulsive in this fat suit and it doesn't matter how nice or sweet or reliable I am, I'm nothing because I'm fat...I need to stay strong in order to make myself better...someone worth looking at...something worth keeping around...I need to stop eating...and with my new resolve I'm going to make it happen...I won't be single for another birthday...I'd rather die than be single another year.

Great Day

I am having the best day ever.  I haven't done much but it's still the best day ever.  I went to the grocery store with every intention of buying food and doing the hating "eating thing" again.  However as I walked around the store I couldn't find anything that would taste good enough to rationalize the guilt and hate and working out that would follow the ingestion of such vile material.  I left the store empty handed walking on cloud nine.  It's refreshing to know that my instincts are finally kicking in and taking control instead of my stomach.

Feels so good

I can feel my self control finally kicking in.  I have managed to stick to just having coffee and diet soda, while sickeningly ingesting less than 500 calories a day.  However I have been working out a minimum of two hours a day.  However that is not the point, what is the point is my self-control is getting stronger.  I can actually be around food and tell myself no, I will not put that in my mouth.  I have even been able to figure out when my body will betray me, and keep myself out of the way of food situations.  My body is super sore, but it's a good sore because it lets me know I'm finally alive.  I'm letting the skinny me take over and banishing the fat me back to the darkness.  I also feel empowered because no one can force me to eat, and no one knows what I'm using as my secret weapon to get better.  The weight hadn't been moving because my self control kept failing, however now that it is growing and becoming something that I can wrap around myself the weight is definitely coming off.  I sleep all the time anymore when I'm not working out or doing school stuff, but I know that's a good thing so that my body can recover and eat more of itself.  I feel so good, and I love the feeling of my stomach rumbling knowing I won't let the enemy control me anymore.