Trying to see it as extra motivation

So things have been going great with this guy...but then randomly he blew up about something that I think he made up.  It was nice to work through it, but now I'm all tied up in knots and nervous he's going to just suddenly disappear out of my life.  I have been using his pics as thinpiration because he has an amazing body, and every time i think about food i look at his pics and think guys like that don't date people with my body.  It has been working really well...but today for the first time I am extremely depressed.  I have been on cloud 9 lately with my diet helping me lose weight and with this guy being so amazing.  And now it seems like i'm fatter than ever, and that no matter what I do a guy like this won't stick around for a guy like me.  I need some motivation to stay on track and I think I need help not letting this guy be my whole reason for getting skinny and beautiful.   I do like that he is very motivating, but my nerves have me jumping and worrying all day....anybody got any suggestions?  I'm very proud of myself today though, I didn't want to workout but made my self go run 3.5 miles in thirty minutes and then did a shit ton of abs....I feel amazing as I write this post physically, but I'm mentally a mess....anyone having a similar issue?  Hope you're all staying strong

Bracelet

I have not been as good as i would like to be...but i'm still going strong.  I made myself a red bracelet to wear today so i can have something to remind me everywhere i go.  Also I got to talk to C for the first time on the phone over the weekend.  Things are going great, but he's so much hotter than me that I'm scared that he will stop being attracted to me or that is talking to more people than just me....after all people who have six packs and great looks don't lack for attention, but I also don't want to screw things up by moving too fast and scaring him off ugh.  I have been using him as my motivation to stay strong, so that I can become attractive, but it's hard.  I have started smoking again, though not sure how he feels about that.  I just hate whenever I eat anything I just feel so disgusting....i just need to stop putting things in my mouth that way i can avoid feeling so disgusting.  Also i have been playing like ass in volleyball, which is something I have always been good at and it bothers me so much.  It's the one place i've always gotten attention and now i seem to be fading out....i need to drop the weight so i can get higher and hitter harder and move faster.   Please help me stay strong!!!!