Getting started

I played volleyball today, and did good until night time then i fucked up...ugh....but i'm not going to let it happen again....i have been talking to my cousin about his boy problems...and my boy problems.  It's nice catching up things like that...but he's a lot skinnier and sexier than i am and keeps getting these hot guys...and i can't get anyone...so it also sucks...so my new plan is to get smaller than him and land a sexy guy myself...especially since C is being shady with me and he's my teenage dream....

new resolve

So sorry it's been so long...I have been going through some crazy stuff.  One of my best friends started dating the guy of my dreams, who just happened to be my straight guy best friend, and did it behind my back when i have accused her of wanting him for over a year.  She always denied it and then lied to my face....that set me on a rough path....every time I drank I just lost it, luckily the bridges I set on fire have been put out and rebuilt, but it still hurts.  I saw a picture of them together today smiling and it broke my heart...i know he is straight, but I still didn't want him dating my best friend and have to see it all the time.  So i went and smoked some cigs and cruised to some tunes.  I also have been talking to a guy who seems to be my teenage dream come to life...which scares me because I don't know if he likes me or is just using me.  So my new resolve is to continue my workouts, I have been lifting and doing cardio very well, while not eating.  I will get hot enough to make this guy want me, and make myself feel sexy enough to be around my two friends who are dating.  I'm using the pain it causes me to be around them to motivate me.  WHen I want to eat I will remember that feeling and use it to fend off eating.  I have also decided to start using Mia again, that way my body isn't taking in any calories.  I plan on blogging everyday too in order to help, because I obviously haven't been doing a very good job of maintaining this.  I thank you for all your support and I will be leaning on you wonderful people to help keep me on track.  The volleyball team I play on kinda freaked me out, my friends who are dating now are on it, but the other players every time we get together they say how skinny i'm getting and how they want to force feed me a sandwich.  I can't see it, I feel more disgusting than I did two months ago even though I look better.  I don't understand this, I think I look worse but everyone keeps telling me how skinny I look.  I think they are lying to me, they want me to fail so they can still be superiorly skinny, or at least that's how I feel.  That's all I know for now, hope my new resolve helps me build up a strong wall.  Wish me luck!!