anger is desire

hey...so my bestie is amazing and fabulous.  All the guys notice him and he could pass off as straight.  I don't love him like that..though I love him as my family!!!   But I want the attention he gets....and I think the only way to get it is to lose the weight.  My goal of 115 makes him cringe and my other friends freak out....but i can do it I"m sure... please start writing me and helping me fight the battle of fat...I see fat people everywhere and i'm gaining weight again i'm sure.   I need some reassurance and help so please give me tips on how to keep my control....physically i 'm not hungry but fighting my mental battle is the issue.  I'm scared to gt hungry cause i get mean and I don't want to lose my job...pleease give me tips :) :) thanks and ana loves and appreciates you :) :)

going strong

It's been awhile again since I last posted, it just seems like whenever I think about posting I am not around my computer.  I am still going strong, and putting in killer workouts which is good.  Although suspicions are rising about me now, people at work and friends back home are beginning to ask me if I eat.  My friends back home who know about it, keep asking if I'm losing it smartly or safely, luckily they can't do anything about it, so I say yes and make up some crazy diet and explain i'm eating all veggies and fruit or something.  However my roommates are becoming a problem, their jokes about me not eating are becoming more frequent and less joke-like.  I haven't lost any weight the last ten days or so which is frustrating, but hoping by adding in extra runs will help drive things down more.  Any ideas on how to throw people who see me everyday off...i ate with a couple friends the other day and made a big joke about how I was eating to prove I still eat, but they still watched me and said they don't think I"m eating....any advice would be appreciated?  Also does anyone have any tips on how to get things going down even more?  HOpe you are all staying strong, and my new quote is helping me a lot, I keep focusing on "a calorie burned is beauty earned"

Anger is powerful

I am so sick of people just thinking it's ok to break plans and not pay attention to me whenever someone is skinnier or cuter than me.  So I have decided that I am going to pour myself into not eating a single calorie for the next three weeks!  If I can do this I will finally have the established will power to keep it up.  I am going to use the anger they give me to empower my thinness instead of eating to make it stop upsetting me.  I do hope that you all will be with me.  I plan on putting in a four hour workout in the morning...and I'm trying to think up reasons for not eating on any dates that I have upcoming so any suggestions on how I could get out of the eating part and still go on dates I would appreciate it so much.  I hope you all are staying strong and being empowered :)  I will no longer let others force me to eat and keep me from becoming beautiful.

Good News

Well I finally bought my scale and weighed in.  I'm so excited I have lost 20 lbs, and it's weird because I hadn't noticed but my clothes are all getting too big for me.  It's amazing, though now I'm even more dedicated to losing more.  The little i have eaten the last few days makes me feel like a cow.  Every time I think about eating I just think "god you heifer stop eating!"  I want to drop another forty pounds at least, but now I need to be extra careful because I don't want people catching on that would force me to eat.  I hope you all are experiencing great things with Ana as well.  Stay strong and remember that will-power and self-control are the two strongest weapons we have :)  No one can be as strong as we are, those who eat endless calories are weak.

Success at the restaurant

I spent the day with my friends at the amusement park today...so did great cause only had some vodka and a diet zero calorie iced tea all day.  It was great cause I wasn't tempted to eat at all during the day.  We went to a restaurant for our friends birthday, where I didn't plan to eat just drink water, though the group kinda threw a fit about me not eating so I "caved" and got a salad....which only consisted of plain iceberg lettuce and diced tomatoes....because I asked them to take everything else off.  My friends got off my back because I ordered something, yet it was lettuce which is basically water and I only ate half of it and half the tomatoes....so I managed to keep them happy and from figuring it out, while not really eating...though i still wish i hadn't ate the salad...but I have to keep my cover going.  My best friend knows about me, but he used to use mia a lot and also has an ED mind, so he still does it too just not as much so we keep each others secret.  He didn't want to eat tonight either but they did the same thing to him as me, threw a fit.  Though he is tiny and he did eat or else they would have kept haggling him.  I feel so great for figuring out this secret and I can't wait to be tiny and free of this disgusting body.  I see my friends eating all this junk, and some are big and some are small, but just to see them eating so many calories carelessly grosses me out.  I'm so glad to be back on track and staying strong.  I plan on getting a scale tomorrow after the gym so I can start monitoring things again.  Oh and I also managed to convince my roommate, who was wanting me to eat waffles with her that I ate too much at the restaurant and couldn't eat anymore.  I hope you all are staying strong as well :)

extra motivation

Hey all my Ana brothers and sisters!  Well i was considering not going to the gym today because i am tired...but a friend of me motivated me to go and i feel great.  I got added motivation while there by seeing some attractive people and seeing people i'm terrified to look like.  Also while I was there someone I was talking to and attracted to basically told me i'm too big for them to like.  On top of that my bestie is getting all this attention he doesn't want from guys....but it makes me jealous cause no one pays attention to me.  He just got a puppy today from a guy who is way into him but that he isn't into but can't figure out how to tell.  My bestie is about the size I want to be...so i guess that gives me more motivation because he is getting what i want without even trying.  People are noticing him and showering him with attention...which he deserves cause he is great.   But i want attention too and to have people want me.  I want to be beautiful...so I guess today is a good day because it's motivating me to stay strong.  I have to take something to work to eat cause my co-workers are getting suspicious so I am taking half a small apple...and 10 carrots.   I already feel bad about it, but I can't risk getting caught again.  SO I just have been sure not to take in any calories except those and I'll walk around on my lunch break and do an ab workout after I get home.  That should get rid of those nasty calories.  Hope you are all staying strong.  I could use a little help in staying strong so if any of you read this drop me a comment or something. 

Back on Track

Hey Everyone!!  So i got through the move and am situated at my new place.   I have been doing so great since getting here.  I have upped my workouts and been eating as little as possible.  I just keep thinking of how much money i'm saving by not eating, and how expensive food is.  It's a great motivator for me!  Tonight i had a small victory because my roommate straight up asked me if i eat anymore :)   I of course lied and was like ya i eat all the time.  She bought it and laughed it off.  I feel great and I have just spent a bunch of time getting tips to help keep it going.  I have lost a bunch of weight and my clothes feel bigger, though I still need to buy a scale since my gym doesn't have one.  Hoping to get that sometime this weekend.  I plan on being on here a lot more now so I'm hoping to hear from you guys.  I'm so rejuvenated and ready to take on the world :)  Yay for Ana's guiding hand!!!