getting it together

Ok, so I got a good lift in today and I'm starting to get my mind back on track.  I just feel terrible because i have been eating grrr.  Just makes me feel like I'm failing at everything, I'm not even good at having ana in my life.  I will do one thing right and that is lose this disgusting weight and stop letting food control me.  I am so glad to have you all helping me with this.  I am trying to focus on all the money I'll be saving while I get thin and sexy, that way I can buy sexier clothes.  I just feel so gross, like when i eat others around me are thinking god fattie put the food down.  My friends say that I'm not fat, but there thinner than I am by far so I don't believe them.  They won't be helping in this at all.  My new  focus is to start everyday by thinking about not eating, and just take it one minute at a time.  I love when my stomach rumbles and I feel floaty cause I feel better that way.  The problem comes at night when my stomach and brain are saying how hungry I am, when I know I shouldn't be.  Anyone got some suggestions on how to stay strong all day long and string together no calorie days?

Feeling good

New Year-New Me

I haven't posted in awhile because I was gone for break and because I had to do the dreaded eating thing while around the family.  I feel really really disgusting right now, but i'm jumping back into workouts and not eating so hopefully things will be back on track for good.  I don't have must to say because I feel ashamed at my eating, but will plan on talking more as things get going.  Hope you all had a great holiday season and were stronger than me.  Stay strong :)

Trying to see it as extra motivation

So things have been going great with this guy...but then randomly he blew up about something that I think he made up.  It was nice to work through it, but now I'm all tied up in knots and nervous he's going to just suddenly disappear out of my life.  I have been using his pics as thinpiration because he has an amazing body, and every time i think about food i look at his pics and think guys like that don't date people with my body.  It has been working really well...but today for the first time I am extremely depressed.  I have been on cloud 9 lately with my diet helping me lose weight and with this guy being so amazing.  And now it seems like i'm fatter than ever, and that no matter what I do a guy like this won't stick around for a guy like me.  I need some motivation to stay on track and I think I need help not letting this guy be my whole reason for getting skinny and beautiful.   I do like that he is very motivating, but my nerves have me jumping and worrying all day....anybody got any suggestions?  I'm very proud of myself today though, I didn't want to workout but made my self go run 3.5 miles in thirty minutes and then did a shit ton of abs....I feel amazing as I write this post physically, but I'm mentally a mess....anyone having a similar issue?  Hope you're all staying strong

Bracelet

I have not been as good as i would like to be...but i'm still going strong.  I made myself a red bracelet to wear today so i can have something to remind me everywhere i go.  Also I got to talk to C for the first time on the phone over the weekend.  Things are going great, but he's so much hotter than me that I'm scared that he will stop being attracted to me or that is talking to more people than just me....after all people who have six packs and great looks don't lack for attention, but I also don't want to screw things up by moving too fast and scaring him off ugh.  I have been using him as my motivation to stay strong, so that I can become attractive, but it's hard.  I have started smoking again, though not sure how he feels about that.  I just hate whenever I eat anything I just feel so disgusting....i just need to stop putting things in my mouth that way i can avoid feeling so disgusting.  Also i have been playing like ass in volleyball, which is something I have always been good at and it bothers me so much.  It's the one place i've always gotten attention and now i seem to be fading out....i need to drop the weight so i can get higher and hitter harder and move faster.   Please help me stay strong!!!!

Getting started

I played volleyball today, and did good until night time then i fucked up...ugh....but i'm not going to let it happen again....i have been talking to my cousin about his boy problems...and my boy problems.  It's nice catching up things like that...but he's a lot skinnier and sexier than i am and keeps getting these hot guys...and i can't get anyone...so it also sucks...so my new plan is to get smaller than him and land a sexy guy myself...especially since C is being shady with me and he's my teenage dream....

new resolve

So sorry it's been so long...I have been going through some crazy stuff.  One of my best friends started dating the guy of my dreams, who just happened to be my straight guy best friend, and did it behind my back when i have accused her of wanting him for over a year.  She always denied it and then lied to my face....that set me on a rough path....every time I drank I just lost it, luckily the bridges I set on fire have been put out and rebuilt, but it still hurts.  I saw a picture of them together today smiling and it broke my heart...i know he is straight, but I still didn't want him dating my best friend and have to see it all the time.  So i went and smoked some cigs and cruised to some tunes.  I also have been talking to a guy who seems to be my teenage dream come to life...which scares me because I don't know if he likes me or is just using me.  So my new resolve is to continue my workouts, I have been lifting and doing cardio very well, while not eating.  I will get hot enough to make this guy want me, and make myself feel sexy enough to be around my two friends who are dating.  I'm using the pain it causes me to be around them to motivate me.  WHen I want to eat I will remember that feeling and use it to fend off eating.  I have also decided to start using Mia again, that way my body isn't taking in any calories.  I plan on blogging everyday too in order to help, because I obviously haven't been doing a very good job of maintaining this.  I thank you for all your support and I will be leaning on you wonderful people to help keep me on track.  The volleyball team I play on kinda freaked me out, my friends who are dating now are on it, but the other players every time we get together they say how skinny i'm getting and how they want to force feed me a sandwich.  I can't see it, I feel more disgusting than I did two months ago even though I look better.  I don't understand this, I think I look worse but everyone keeps telling me how skinny I look.  I think they are lying to me, they want me to fail so they can still be superiorly skinny, or at least that's how I feel.  That's all I know for now, hope my new resolve helps me build up a strong wall.  Wish me luck!!